Nightmare Before Christmas 2007, Saturday: Trapped In The Closet

(ATP TV)

After Oneida, we went into Minehead for a cream tease (something of a local speciality). This meant we missed a lot of the bands playing during the afternoon, but no worries as they were all shite. On our way back, we stopped in the chalet, initially intending this to be a brief visit. However, when the words

TRAPPED

IN

THE

CLOSET

appeared on the screen of ATP TV, we found ourselves trapped in the chalet. It was episode episodes #13-22 (or thereabouts) that we caught. As you know, TITC is hip-hop nonce-accusee R. Kelly's magnum opus, an ongoing hip-hopera film about people and their tangled sex lives. R. Kelly plays Sylvester, a man at the centre of a sexual web warping the time-space continuum. All other parts are sung by R. Kelly, even when played by such guest stars as Will Oldham. TITC is very hard to describe. Don't believe the rumours - find out for yourself. It really has to be seen to be believed, and is available for free on the interweb. Whether it is a work of genius or something so completely rubbish that it is brilliant is an ultimately fruitless line of inquiry; TITC reveals R. Kelly to be some kind of idiot-savant subgenius who has produced something that people will hold up in future millennia as a perfect example of the artworks of our time.

The storyline in these episodes had two strands. In one section, Sylvester's brother-in-law Twan discovered that the woman he thought had grassed him up to the cops (leading to his spending several years in chokey) was the mother of the child he didn't know he had, but was know dyking with the woman who had actually reported him. In the other strand, the nosy neighbours discovered that while Pastor Rufus had determined to leave his male lover and stick to his wife, said gay lover was now in hospital, leading to speculation that he might have The Package.

But yeah, you had to be there. Chaletmate Sarah suggested that our astonished reactions to TITC were if anything more exciting than the strange events depicted onscreen.

Trapped in the Closet latest

I have seen TITC episodes 13 - 22 and can reveal the following:

1. Twan's former girlfriend, the woman he suspected of grassing him up to the cops, turns out to have had his child while he was in prison.

2. But said former girlfriend is now dyking.

3. Rufus the Pastor has decided to stay with his wife and renounce his gay lover.

4. But said gay lover is in hospital - and like all gay people who go to hospital, he is not there because he is getting his appendix out, but because he has The Package.

5. This means that everyone in TITC is in big trouble.

And Will Oldham plays a cop.

EDIT: It is in fact an inference of characters in TITC that Pastor Rufus' gay lover is in hospital because he has The Package; the Nosy Neighbour and her comedy chubster husband have deduced that this, rather than some routine tests, is what has him in the sickhouse. They have also taken it for granted that he must have given The Package to Rufus. Who knows, maybe TITC will prove to have misdirected them.